I lost myself. It took a couple of years of heart-ache and sorrow, but somehow, I managed to shed every delicate layer of my identity. I forgot who I was, trying to show someone else how great they were and what they could become. I wanted him to be with me and love me, like I knew he could. I saw something in him that he was trying to hide and I wanted to find it. Unbury this precious jewel and clean it off; show him this priceless ruby I found and say, “looky here what I found! I KNEW it was there…. See-see-see, I told ya!”
I was drawn to him. The chemistry that I felt between us was electrifying. I was ready to give it my all, while he wasn’t even close. I kept losing pieces of me, while trying to show him what “real” love was. However the energy it took to try and prove this to him was too emotionally draining. Sometime down the road, while helping him find himself-- I took the love that was reserved for my “self” and gave it ALL to him. Real love is selfless; but it is also reciprocal. I got lost when the love I was giving, wasn’t being given in return. I was trying to save someone who was not capable of giving me what I needed. I was so focused on loving him that I didn’t realize I was gone.
I thought the sadness I felt was because I hadn’t succeeded in winning “him.” However, I discovered, the emptiness I felt was because I lost myself somewhere in the middle of my pursuit of him. I disappeared. There was no longer a “me.” It just so-happens, this is when he decided he was ready to love me. However, there was no longer a self in this body to love. I started pushing him away and the heart-break was devastating to both of us. I thought it was the loss of him that hurt so much, but maybe the reason my heart was so broken was because I lost myself in him. I didn’t only lose him, but I lost all of me with him. I actually wasn’t lost “without” him, but felt like I was because so much of my individual self was given to the relationship.
I faltered a few times and thought it was “him” I was missing, but each time I went back to him, I was reminded I had nothing left to give. I was reminded I didn’t have a self to identify with. The only way for me to feel whole again was to find the pieces of my “self” I lost and try to put them back together; and I had to do it without him. Humans are funny like that; when I lost sight of myself- I tried to fill the void of emptiness inside with him, instead of taking a few steps back to find the real problem. I was scared.
What happened to me? Why had it taken me so long to wake up? Perhaps losing me in him, taught both of us more than anything else ever could have. Maybe life happened in this order so that I could discover my real self; who I really am. I have learned how to really appreciate someone and have also learned what I will not tolerate. I have learned the true meaning of love and how it is supposed to work.
Patience is hard to acquire, but it is well worth the wait. I am okay with me. I can trust that I know what is best for me and being alone was the only way for me to get here. I didn’t realize how easy it was to lose myself. It is much more difficult to have a solid foundation of self. It can constantly change. I have found the path to inner joy is through having a solid establishment of “self” that I can build on. I can change my opinions and how I view the world, but deep inside, I am still me. I have to be happy alone and with myself before I can love someone for exactly who they are; flaws and all. This experience brought me back to life. I am thankful I lost my self, because in the end, I am a much better version of me because of it.
