I used to believe

I used to believe in crazy love.  The kind that happens in the movies.  I had this idea in my head that he was out there for me and if I waited long enough and I was patient enough, our world's would collide.  He would walk into my life (no white horse needed) and sweep me off my feet.  He would better me in every way while loving me like crazy.  No matter my faults, my downfalls, my downright annoying habits . . . for some reason, he would just love me.  I have loved this way, so I thought someone would want to love me this way.  However, I love this way the first go round.  Maybe that is why they are always afraid of me. I love with such reckless abandon and people in this world don't know what to do with that anymore. It scares them away.  The truth is, men have loved me this way . . . but only after they have broken my heart. 


I don't need to test the waters, I never think the grass is greener.  I only get into relationships in which I know this man could be who I eventually end up with forever.  This is what dating is for right?  No seriousness, no messy breakup - you can decide if you want a relationship with someone during the days, weeks or months that lead to making an actual commitment (personally I am extremely confused how people end up in relationship after relationship because I feel very selective as to who I actually call my "boyfriend").  I mean why do we have dating if we are going to jump into bed and relationships with every new person we meet?  I think if we are honest with what we want and are looking for and take the time to date; wasted time in relationships that usually lead to broken hearts could be prevented. 

I am not going to sugar coat it, I am an intense person.  I am filled with a passion and love that most people don't experience in life.  It is just who I am.  That being said - I have some pretty big downfalls.  I speak in a way that I hurt people that care about me.  I get defensive to those trying to help me.  Something in my past has made me afraid that people are out to get me when they are put in my life to help and better me.  I say things that shouldn't be said.  I hear myself speaking when I don't want to say a word.  I react so quickly that I don't realize what I am doing or saying.  I am learning the most about me and who I am at this very moment of my life.  I have never been in such a deep place with my self.  I feel I have no discipline anywhere.  I struggle in many areas.  People tell me I am too hard on myself - but if I am not, who will be?

My most recent relationship has changed me the most.  I met a man that made me want to be better.  I had never met anyone that made me want to be better for them.  Until him, I had thought I just wanted to be loved.  I know now that I need a man who loves me but helps me grow.  I don't know if this man loved me or if he can love me, but I know that at this point in my life - he is the most significant piece of helping me find who I am.  He is no where near perfect, but I loved him perfectly.  I would have loved him forever with anything he brought to me but he didn't want me or at least, he doesn't know what he wants.  Never have I had to take the time to feel this heartbreak and recognize that the commonality throughout my life, is myself.  He is gone now.  I can't have him in my life and let him go.  I had to cut him out.  I don't know what the future holds, but for now - I am searching.  I am in the depths of my soul, buried and drowning in self doubt, realization and rebirth.  I have deep pain that I thought I could magically heal with busying myself with friends, hanging out and having fun, with recognizing differences that make us incompatible . . . but so far, I still come home and realize all the hurt is still there. I think I am healing but maybe I am just distracting myself.  There must be a reason I am here and I am trying to feel it, learn from it, see what happens next, and be patient to the best of my human ability. 

Yes I used to believe in crazy love but after I have had my heart broken more than most people in this world - I don't get what is going on.  I hope to start writing about my life every couple of days to try to make sense of the craziness of it all but I guess I can only take it one day at a time and be okay knowing that as time passes, somehow, some way, I will begin to heal.  One morning I will wake up and I won't hurt anymore.  Will I find the kind of love I have dreamt of?  Will this person I love ever come back?  Will I stop loving him?  I guess I will find out.  I just have to wait for now.  Maybe something will renew my faith in love.  Maybe someone will sweep me away.  Perhaps something will captivate me.  For now, it's just me and I am doing the best I know how.  Maybe it's time to love me first.

The Day I Met You

At Candlelight I felt you watching me
Through dim lights and cast shadows you could see
I could feel you deep down before I knew you
Something inside you had happened too
This unspoken bond was a brand new feeling
Once we started talking - everything was reeling

Cruising around in your neon 80s gear
With stick on mustaches, and a belt buckle for beer
I really loved the way you looked at me
And something about how goofy you could be

Fear crept up and you felt my walls
But its not one person alone that falls
We shared a lot of laughs and biked to different bars
But you never let me get too far

We met that morning at Kentucky Inn
Playing some volleyball was your way in
Gravity pulled us into a new glory
That was the first day of our story

Goodbye

And it's finally clear it was never love

More of an obsession

Something people only dream of

You look at me like I'm a possession

But, the way you speak to me is scarier than silence

You might as well tell the truth

Because I interpret your words for violence

The lies inside your language are proof

You don't know what way is right

And then you keep searching in that empty world

Continually putting up your best fight

When you could have had the perfect girl

You went ahead and ran away

You believe your own lies

And by the time you realize I am her

I'll have already said goodbye

Is it a date or just a friendly dinner?

When do you know when you've got yourself a date?

I met a guy - we'll call him Matt, through a close friend of mine at the end of July at a cocktail party. The three of us had casual conversation for a couple of hours and discussed getting together again for drinks. We were all pretty booked with busy work schedules and summer plans, so the next time we all met for drinks was sometime near the end of September.

We discussed exes, breakups - not wanting anything serious for a long time...the next person we date - more than likely being a rebound for Matt, etc. We all took turns paying for drinks and talked about trying to be better about meeting up more often. Matt emailed my friend and said he had fun at drinks and we should all get together again - but he didn't send me anything, she simply informed me of his message.

I emailed Matt a few weeks later to schedule a time to get-together for drinks again. This time, it ended up being just Matt and I sometime early November. I paid for the first round because I owed him from the last time we had drinks. We were well on our way to a great friendship; knew details of past relationships, parents, schooling....not once did he seem interested in anything other than a friendship. Once again, we promised to try to be better about contacting one another.

I ended up texting him a week or so later and we made tentative plans to grab drinks after the Thanksgiving holiday. Now - keep in mind, we have probably contacted each other a little over a hand-full of times in three months. After Thanksgiving, I get a text saying he hasn't forgotten about tentative drinks but is busy for the week - let's grab dinner Monday night? I wasn't sure how to respond but Monday didn't work either way - I let him know any other night would work better apart from Monday. He chose Thursday and said he would be down around my house that day - why not just pick me up at my house at 7:30? I said, hey why not - perfect!

This is just dinner to me. Friends having dinner - this is not a date, right? When I share this information with co-workers, colleagues and friends - they all have the same reaction: they laugh at me and say it's a date and I feel really, very naive.

So what constitutes a date these days? I am making a check list of what would be a date if it "WERE" actually a date. First off, do you walk to her door when you arrive at the house? Do you open the car door? How about restaurant door - because that is just a polite gesture. Does the location of dinner count ? - does it matter how nice it is or if it's just a pub? If he pays - does that automatically qualify that it is an "actual date?" If he brings me back home and drops me off -- clearly that is "just friends". If he walked me to my door- I think that would be a date.

So what would make this more than just a friendly dinner. . . I don't yet have the answers or the determining factors narrowed down... but for now, I am sticking with friends having dinner. I guess we will see what actually happens tonight.

No Longer Mine

Falling through this life was all I knew
I just kept going through the motions
Meeting new people but nothing ever took
But somehow you changed that with just one look
Instead of drifting through space
I fell past the iris of your eyes
You breathed something into my being
Showed me something that was worth seeing
You unwrapped me carefully
All the while drenching me with your love
You took the time to let me see
All you ever really wanted was the real me
Breathing was more intoxicating with you near
The time between us just a catalyst
My body aches to be with you everyday
I never knew I could feel this way
I am overwhelmed by your presence
With you is where I belong
I fall in love with you more all the time
Oh but wait . . . you are no longer mine

You Would Not Exist

If I could peel back the fake and try to find you underneath
I wonder how small the you I found would be
Perhaps a small rock I could hold in my hand
Or maybe even smaller, a single grain of sand
Would you be the size of your cold heart
Would I be able to tear you apart
Could you recognize the significance
Of being solid truth if only for an instant
I wish I had a glimpse of how you'd look
Perhaps then, I would not have mistook
All the lies as a form of truth
All your words wouldn't have been so smooth
Would that be enough to change my mind
Could I make up for all the lost time
Would you be big enough to get to me
Or simply too small for me to see

A Teardrop

I was a teardrop that fell down your cheek
But I didn't taste salty - instead I was sweet
You didn't try to catch me - as if I was something you could keep
You just let me fall - you let me leave a streak
I slid wet down your skin and continued to seep
Settled in your bones - some where down deep
I was something you longed for - something you had to seek
You replayed me in your mind - dreamt of me in your sleep
Searched the world to find me - so we could finally meet
I made you feel alive - and at the same time made you weak
You kissed me just right and swept me off of my feet
Made me fall for you too - I finally took the leap