I used to believe

I used to believe in crazy love.  The kind that happens in the movies.  I had this idea in my head that he was out there for me and if I waited long enough and I was patient enough, our world's would collide.  He would walk into my life (no white horse needed) and sweep me off my feet.  He would better me in every way while loving me like crazy.  No matter my faults, my downfalls, my downright annoying habits . . . for some reason, he would just love me.  I have loved this way, so I thought someone would want to love me this way.  However, I love this way the first go round.  Maybe that is why they are always afraid of me. I love with such reckless abandon and people in this world don't know what to do with that anymore. It scares them away.  The truth is, men have loved me this way . . . but only after they have broken my heart. 


I don't need to test the waters, I never think the grass is greener.  I only get into relationships in which I know this man could be who I eventually end up with forever.  This is what dating is for right?  No seriousness, no messy breakup - you can decide if you want a relationship with someone during the days, weeks or months that lead to making an actual commitment (personally I am extremely confused how people end up in relationship after relationship because I feel very selective as to who I actually call my "boyfriend").  I mean why do we have dating if we are going to jump into bed and relationships with every new person we meet?  I think if we are honest with what we want and are looking for and take the time to date; wasted time in relationships that usually lead to broken hearts could be prevented. 

I am not going to sugar coat it, I am an intense person.  I am filled with a passion and love that most people don't experience in life.  It is just who I am.  That being said - I have some pretty big downfalls.  I speak in a way that I hurt people that care about me.  I get defensive to those trying to help me.  Something in my past has made me afraid that people are out to get me when they are put in my life to help and better me.  I say things that shouldn't be said.  I hear myself speaking when I don't want to say a word.  I react so quickly that I don't realize what I am doing or saying.  I am learning the most about me and who I am at this very moment of my life.  I have never been in such a deep place with my self.  I feel I have no discipline anywhere.  I struggle in many areas.  People tell me I am too hard on myself - but if I am not, who will be?

My most recent relationship has changed me the most.  I met a man that made me want to be better.  I had never met anyone that made me want to be better for them.  Until him, I had thought I just wanted to be loved.  I know now that I need a man who loves me but helps me grow.  I don't know if this man loved me or if he can love me, but I know that at this point in my life - he is the most significant piece of helping me find who I am.  He is no where near perfect, but I loved him perfectly.  I would have loved him forever with anything he brought to me but he didn't want me or at least, he doesn't know what he wants.  Never have I had to take the time to feel this heartbreak and recognize that the commonality throughout my life, is myself.  He is gone now.  I can't have him in my life and let him go.  I had to cut him out.  I don't know what the future holds, but for now - I am searching.  I am in the depths of my soul, buried and drowning in self doubt, realization and rebirth.  I have deep pain that I thought I could magically heal with busying myself with friends, hanging out and having fun, with recognizing differences that make us incompatible . . . but so far, I still come home and realize all the hurt is still there. I think I am healing but maybe I am just distracting myself.  There must be a reason I am here and I am trying to feel it, learn from it, see what happens next, and be patient to the best of my human ability. 

Yes I used to believe in crazy love but after I have had my heart broken more than most people in this world - I don't get what is going on.  I hope to start writing about my life every couple of days to try to make sense of the craziness of it all but I guess I can only take it one day at a time and be okay knowing that as time passes, somehow, some way, I will begin to heal.  One morning I will wake up and I won't hurt anymore.  Will I find the kind of love I have dreamt of?  Will this person I love ever come back?  Will I stop loving him?  I guess I will find out.  I just have to wait for now.  Maybe something will renew my faith in love.  Maybe someone will sweep me away.  Perhaps something will captivate me.  For now, it's just me and I am doing the best I know how.  Maybe it's time to love me first.