Ugly

Lately I have been considering the possiblity of the existence of an extremely smeared line between right and wrong. How are we all supposed to be non-judging in such a judgmental world? How do you steer someone in the right direction without judging them; taking it upon yourself to tell them they are heading in the wrong direction is judging in and of itself, is it not? Something that is wrong to me could be completely right to another person; so who am I to judge what they are doing is wrong or right? Where do these sense of morals come from and since when did the lines of black and white all mix together to form so many different shades of gray???

In my opinion, morality comes from the only truly good thing that there is in existence, which is God. However, since we are all human- there is no way we are all going to agree on what is right and wrong. Things I used to think would be considerable easy to decipher between right and wrong, are now so gray that I can't tell which direction is forward or back. How can I consider myself a good person when I am questioning the morality of a situation and then going on with my human instincts? Do I consider myself a good person? Should I? The way different emotions tugg and pull on my already delicate heart strings create this melody of longing and confusion that gets so mixed up it forms the most intense and intricate cluster ever imaginable. How on earth do you unwrap that and figure it out? If my heart has turned gray, what hope is there for the white light to push its way back in? Is it a dirty heart now that it is tainted by the blackness? Is it really still a pure heart with the best intentions?

I went into this "situation" with the best of intentions; but because I am human, I am failing miserably in areas I thought I would have glided gracefully through without having a second thought. In a life that is passing by in the fastest of blinks, what do you do with something that makes time feel like it doesn't even exist? What do you do with something that makes you feel ALIVE, in a world that makes you feel so small? How do you choose what would normally seem like an easy choice when everything has been scribbled all over with a big huge black permanent marker? Why does nobody understand me? Why do I feel so alone? Why am I such a bad person?

I Caught Myself

I lost myself. It took a couple of years of heart-ache and sorrow, but somehow, I managed to shed every delicate layer of my identity. I forgot who I was, trying to show someone else how great they were and what they could become. I wanted him to be with me and love me, like I knew he could. I saw something in him that he was trying to hide and I wanted to find it. Unbury this precious jewel and clean it off; show him this priceless ruby I found and say, “looky here what I found! I KNEW it was there…. See-see-see, I told ya!”

I was drawn to him. The chemistry that I felt between us was electrifying. I was ready to give it my all, while he wasn’t even close. I kept losing pieces of me, while trying to show him what “real” love was. However the energy it took to try and prove this to him was too emotionally draining. Sometime down the road, while helping him find himself-- I took the love that was reserved for my “self” and gave it ALL to him. Real love is selfless; but it is also reciprocal. I got lost when the love I was giving, wasn’t being given in return. I was trying to save someone who was not capable of giving me what I needed. I was so focused on loving him that I didn’t realize I was gone.

I thought the sadness I felt was because I hadn’t succeeded in winning “him.” However, I discovered, the emptiness I felt was because I lost myself somewhere in the middle of my pursuit of him. I disappeared. There was no longer a “me.” It just so-happens, this is when he decided he was ready to love me. However, there was no longer a self in this body to love. I started pushing him away and the heart-break was devastating to both of us. I thought it was the loss of him that hurt so much, but maybe the reason my heart was so broken was because I lost myself in him. I didn’t only lose him, but I lost all of me with him. I actually wasn’t lost “without” him, but felt like I was because so much of my individual self was given to the relationship.

I faltered a few times and thought it was “him” I was missing, but each time I went back to him, I was reminded I had nothing left to give. I was reminded I didn’t have a self to identify with. The only way for me to feel whole again was to find the pieces of my “self” I lost and try to put them back together; and I had to do it without him. Humans are funny like that; when I lost sight of myself- I tried to fill the void of emptiness inside with him, instead of taking a few steps back to find the real problem. I was scared.

What happened to me? Why had it taken me so long to wake up? Perhaps losing me in him, taught both of us more than anything else ever could have. Maybe life happened in this order so that I could discover my real self; who I really am. I have learned how to really appreciate someone and have also learned what I will not tolerate. I have learned the true meaning of love and how it is supposed to work.

Patience is hard to acquire, but it is well worth the wait. I am okay with me. I can trust that I know what is best for me and being alone was the only way for me to get here. I didn’t realize how easy it was to lose myself. It is much more difficult to have a solid foundation of self. It can constantly change. I have found the path to inner joy is through having a solid establishment of “self” that I can build on. I can change my opinions and how I view the world, but deep inside, I am still me. I have to be happy alone and with myself before I can love someone for exactly who they are; flaws and all. This experience brought me back to life. I am thankful I lost my self, because in the end, I am a much better version of me because of it.

Letter to Someone Great

Hello stranger-

Apparently you are even on my mind when I am sleeping. Last night I had a dream about you- It was a fun dream-unique and different - because we had a very different relationship than the one. . . or whatever we are calling this, we have now.

It was so intimate- the exact way, I always feel when I see you or talk to you. In the dream, you had just shaved, and being up close to you, and touching your face was so real, so natural-it really makes me miss you right now. That dream made me remember--so much. We have this unspoken connection, something secret and captivating-so real-but still under the surface- It is really fun to feel that, especially since I haven't found it with another person-maybe that is why it is hard for me to be "just friends." Something about you and our experiences together have always seemed rather dream-like, even in the bad parts- I wished that I could wake up and take back what had happened so that the dream would continue to create the happiness it was meant to bring.

I always loved the way you made me feel and even seeing you a few weeks ago- I felt it---that thing-whatever it is- nervousness-excitement, butterflies-who knows--but maybe..... you felt it too- maybe that is why you stopped talking to me...it's there and it is very real, and unfair for whomever is on the other end of your life.

I wish things were different than they are - I wish I could tell you more in-depth all the things I feel with you or that I have ever felt with you, but I can't because it wouldn't be fair to you--or her. . .maybe they would have no significance or meaning to you, but at least I would know that you knew.

*soul mate*

Can you already be in love with someone you have never met? That person being- the love of your life- of course...but is it possible that the love you feel for your soul mate is already connected to that person? Could it be that I love him right now and long for him and even miss him-- even though I don't know the slightest thing about him or who he is or when we will finally meet? Is he out there loving me back.... going about his daily life thinking of me too and waiting patiently for the day our worlds change completely by intersecting time and space at the precise moment we were intended to meet? Can this love be so real and scary and beautiful and thrilling that when we glimpse the sight of that person, we really know, deep down, they have been craving us all along too? Does this exist?

Can a love like this be real--are the longings I feel in my heart already created for a specific someone and I am just blindly feeling them... thinking they are natural and general--not made for anyone in-particular? What if...he is thinking of me now when I am thinking of him? I wonder if he dreams of me but forgets me in the morning by the time the sun opens his eyes. I want to know him...but I suppose the feelings I have now are all there for this exact purpose-the joy and utter blissful state that he and I will be in after dreaming, thinking, loving, missing, longing, hoping...for what seems like an eternity.. for that perfect LOVE.

Now I know nothing is supposed to be perfect and of course two people aren't- but...I know that love can be. Love is perfect. It can't have anything dark about it. So--in this waiting game-- is it already set in motion? Is every action I am taking, every step I am making...leading me to what will eventually be real time with him? It sounds like fate or destiny that I am writing of here and perhaps this is what I really believe. Everything is supposed to end up a certain way to create the blissful happiness each person truly deserves. However if we get off that path, by making bad choices or the wrong decisions, - we may not end up where our true destiny was meant to take us.

I think I believe all this. I am thinking of a stranger-- so worthy-- that it makes my heart beat faster-- I feel the butterflies in my stomach and the love I feel for him. Does he know me already? Is he a stranger? Have I seen him before? Have we met? All great questions to the curious mind, but my heart knows who he is...if only there was a direct communication path from my heart to my head that would let me know more...but that is all part of the glorious scheme of it all.

Two souls already connected--thinking of each other at different times...perhaps sometimes at the same time-- and dreaming at random times--just waiting......for "the ONE."

Inside My Head

I think it's so funny that I always try to find the reason for my life and the meaning of it all. Even though, it constantly changes with each decision, every single second of my life... and in the meantime of all the questioning and worry about what I am here for--I find myself living a life that is, in fact, the exact life I was meant to live.

I always wonder and think about everything!:

-What am I still doing here?
-How do I have these thoughts and feelings five million times each day?
-Why do things happen?
-Why do I think things happen for a reason?
-Why do I feel like God has a grand scheme designed just for me? Does every person feel like they have one?
-Are all these feelings normal or am I really that weird?!

People say that true happiness is separating that little voice in your head from your self, because those "thoughts" are a completely separate entity. Which I guess is something proven by my first thought--because I am living a completely normal and blessed life in spite of my brain thinking all those things all alone in my head! In that brief moment it almost seemed too simple and easy to separate the two--but really it is one of the most complex issues I have ever had to try and figure out.

I suppose I could look at my brain as the interpreter of what my inner being is trying to say- and with that recognize that they really are two separate things. The brain just mixes up everything I am feeling inside by trying to translate it into the English language so that I can then understand it. But these feelings are beyond comprehension when they finally escalate to the form of some sort of word or thought. That would definitely explain some of my craziness when trying to figure everything out in my life. What am I supposed to do with all these feelings then and why do I always feel the best way to try and interpret them is to write them down; if they aren't going to make sense in my head, why would they make sense on paper?

What I am learning from all this craziness and non-sense is the only things I should be focused on are the present and what I can do with it for others and for myself at this instant. All we have is today. I should try to live life like this more often. No sense in worrying about all these things- they all fall into the perfect place at the right time. Sometimes the brain is just confusing you more. Just feel and let it be. Live in the moment. Each day is a new day- take it for all that it's worth-- because tomorrow....it will be gone.

The Struggle

It's warm outside, the wind is blowing gently and the view isn't quite the same through glass windows...not to mention the air is way too cold in here. Life can be so bittersweet sometimes. The pleasures that are allowed to you from being born into this world seem within reach, and yet the opportunities that are supposed to help you reach them might be the very things that keep you from them.

We work our entire lives to have more time off, more money, more leisure, more pleasure. We are in a never ending battle to find contentment in a constant state of strive. We all want that dream house, that car, to go on that amazing vacation--but, in order to have those things, we need to work our butts off. Where is the peace in that and how do we find the balance?

I tangle in this twisted confusion of yearning and hope and don't know if I am digging my heels in deeper to prepare me for the inevitable or starting to scratch the surface to learn the route in which to escape. How can I find the way out if I don't know which way I should be headed? Should I long for escape, or should I stand firmly in the present and change my way of thinking? Is it fair that I need to change my way of thinking? Why does the world work in such a way that if something isn't right, we need to change the way we think about it in order for it to be right? Apparently, I am hoping that I can scratch my way out of this tiny box, and climb out on top since I seem so against changing my way of thinking to accommodate the world around me. Everyone says if you can't change something, change the way you think about it, but why do we need to do that? Should we push to change it anyway? Are we winning with ourselves if we change our way of thinking or giving into the world?

I recently learned that the definition of happiness is haphazard; the root, "hap" literally translates into haphazard. Happiness results in the pleasure or attainment of what is good. It is temporary--it is all about the circumstances and the environment that surround us. Wow, that explains a lot! No wonder we, as Americans, spend most of our time unhappy. The circumstances around us are getting worse as time passes. You start off as an innocent child and, for those fortunate enough, have a blissful childhood without fear or worry...however-each passing year is the real live fate that brings you closer to the peaceful world around you turning into a big slippery slope of reality. You get older, have to find a real job, and a real life that consists of paying bills and, therefore, having to work most of your life to eventually enjoy the things later in life that you once did as a kid. We get caught up in a mess of longing for what used to be, searching for the comfortable sameness we had, wanting to get back to the time when the circumstances around us, "made" us happy.

The thing the world is looking for is not happiness. We have been teaching children and adults alike to strive for the wrong feeling. We are being set-up for failure before we have a chance. What we as a world are looking for, is joy. Pure joy. Joy is the innate. It is not the cause of the circumstances around us, it is a state of being. We can not always choose the circumstances around us, but we can choose to be content in whatever the circumstance. That is where the , "change the way you think about the situation" comes into play. It's not saying the world wins and you lose. It is, in fact, stating the opposite- that we can choose to win over everything around us. We are a being who can be filled with joy, or who can search for a chance of happiness. We have to stop looking for the wrong "noun, " and start living a life filled with innate joy. Get up and go to work knowing that it will pay your bills and award you a free-er future. It will send your kids to a good school so they can have a life as beautiful as yours. Go, knowing that you are blessed enough to have an education that allowed you to get that job or career. "Live a life worthy of the calling you have received." Ephesians 4:1.

Maybe it is, all just a state-of-mind, and maybe....just maybe, it's a real life change.